How to Kill a Mammoth

Prehistory is defined as the period before written word, before events were recorded, and before cave-children had to tote around thirty pounds of text-books in their back-packs. The “good ol’ days” of human civilization are certainly old, but they are not necessarily as “good” as they want to make you think.


For one thing, there were glaciers. Not the pitiful excuses for ice-cubes that are receding today, but the tectonic plate shaking, city crushing glaciers of old. They shaped the world that we know today. They took no prisoners, well, other than the occasional Neanderthal that was overtaken only to be thawed out several millennia later.


The wild life was vicious. There were big ferocious lions, and tigers, and bears that could eat a normal sized human (Homo Sapiens Sapiens, Home Erectus, and the other cousins) in a single bite. We still have animals these days, but they're relative pussies. It is, therefore, completely justifiable that we slaughter animals for food, fun, and money these days. They killed us back them, we kill them now. You may be thinking, “I’d seriously doubt a cow could ever kill anybody!”… You are right. A modern day cow is harmless. It is a product domesticated after thousands of years. Its ancestors would rip an ape-man limb-from-limb if it was even looked at in the wrong way. This led to a massive shortage of dairy products sometime in the 16th century B.C.


It was, despite the hardships, a simpler time. As a matter of fact, the prehistoric period was full of recreation. Everything that they did was so much fun that we decided to incorporate it into our Olympic games. Sports like running and javelin-throwing have changed very little over the years. Inversely, sports like “rock hurling” and “swatting flies” are just somewhat recognizable as shot-put and the prestigious sport of ribbon-dancing, respectively. The lives of cavemen were so relaxing that they did not even need television. Instead of watching Survivor, they played it themselves everyday.


What snapped them out of their euphoric existence was the invention of writing and, ergo, reading. Some malevolent misanthrope manufactured a system in which information could be transmitted and recorded. Adults and children alike have forever been plagued by the evils that accompanied this system: homework and taxes. Intrepid individuals have resisted into the modern day, choosing to remain cavemen. The 1999 blockbuster “George of the Jungle” is based on the story of a modern day Neanderthalic isolationist being brought to the Big Apple. In 2004, insurance giant Geico ran into legal trouble over their slogan, “So easy, even a caveman could do it”. The illiterate and poorly groomed prosecution did not hold up in court, however, which was viewed as a major setback for the Caveperson population. However, many have found high-paying jobs in prestigious positions within the government and blend in with society surprisingly well.