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A Guide for the Casual Goldilocks

Josh Lee, Friday February 16th, 2007

How to Kill a Bear: A Beginner's Guide

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Difficulty: Don't try this at home

Materiels:
-A large stick or pole)...for poking
-A knife (Rambo style is preferred)...for poking
-Bear Mace - will be discussed later
-If available, a gun of some sort (shotgun preferred)... Could help, might not
-Pants...for when you need to piss yourself
-Balls. Big freakin' Balls...can be substituted with sheer stupidity

There are many "methods" and strategies for dealing with a bear. I will try to discuss the pros and cons of each, in reference to the two different types of bears. There are black bears, found along the eastern seaboard. These cuddly creatures range from 900-1500 lbs, and are relatively harmless. Their cousins, the brown bears (also known as grizzly bears), can be found in the North West, Alaska, Canada, and Maine -- basically anywhere cold with trees. Brown bears should be avoided at all costs, unless you are really, really stupid. In fact you'd have to be so stupid that you wouldn't be able to read this. First, the "avoidance" strategies:

The first strategy we will discuss is the "play dead" strategy. This may cause a black bear to overlook you, but you'd be a wimp: stand up and fight. Against a brown bear, well, playing dead is a pretty pussy way to die, and you will still die.

Another strategy is to bang sticks, yell, and scare the bear away. This is very effective if you are not properly equipped for an encounter with a black bear. When faced with a grizzly, this is a pretty silly way to die, shouting and yelling like an idiot.

Climbing a tree is never a good idea. A black bear will follow you up, probably sniff you and lick your butt for a while, and you will be stuck for quite a while. Brown bears are really fucking big, so they will act according to the size of the tree you have climbed. If it is too small to support their weight, they will knock it down. If it is large enough, they will follow you up and tear you down. Either way, you're a goner.

Running away, in addition to being sissy, won't work. Either type of bear will see the act of cowardice, and chase you down. They can run about 25 mph on flat ground, so you won't be able to outrun them. Of course, if you're with a buddy and you can outrun HIM, you may stand a chance.

Now, we must discuss fighting techniques. When faced with a head-on bearial assault, use your agility to jump out of the way at the last second. Bears are big and this will buy you a few moments to make a plan. If you have a gun, shooting a black bear is the quick and easy way. If it doesn't kill him, he will be sufficiently scared and run away with his tail between his legs. Shooting a grizzly bear will just piss it off. An elephant rifle will piss it off more. The next best thing after a gun is the stick. A good whack on the head might knock out a black bear, giving you time to pose for some manly photos. A brown bear will pause long enough to laugh at you and your little stick. It probably tickles him.

The knife is mostly just for show. Anything short of a long sword really won't do much to any sort of bear. It's useful for peeling fruit and slicing salame.

In summary: don't be a pussy, run faster than your hiking friends, and when you're faced with a grizzly bear it would be a good time to start believing in heaven.

Up next week on "the dirty hippy hiker": How to Shit in the Woods.